I haven’t written on here in a while. It’d be impossible to catch up on everything that’s happened and how my thoughts have changed. Shoot these days I write in my journal maybe once a week; whenever I do I write a novel. I try to have some log of the craziness I call my life.
I’m not sure what I said last at this current moment, but I can tell you I’m definitely in a better place. The anger I felt is gone. I’m still hurt a bit so I have a natural bitterness on certain subjects referring to a certain person. I’m dealing with it though. I’d be a liar if I said I didn’t miss him and my thoughts never found memories of him or our times together. I also know that our parting of ways was the best thing he could have done for me. I’m finally living for me. I’m making myself a better person and I’m not giving myself to people who Arnt worthy. Yes I’m not a saint, but I’m getting better all the time. I’m perusing one guy, but just trying to get to know him. I dot want anything more. I’m not ready for more. Besides I still have a guy on the side that will flirt with me and steal me away for a kiss. I know that’s not going anywhere, but I’m single and it makes me feel good. Currently I’m taking care of bigger problems. I can cut that out whenever I feel like. I’m re-writing my list. I know what I’m looking for in someone and someday when God decides the time has come I’ll know. It sucks to be alone, but honestly it’s freedom. I’m young, I’ve got plenty of time to find my soulmate. I’m pursuing Jesus. I started a new discipleship program. I listen to these CDs and try to read the bible verses when I get a chance. I already feel a difference. Last night I had an intervention with my sister an really helped her start her process of healing. When we liberate ourselves we can liberate others. Last night was a testimony of that. I know I’ve been transformed by my father in heaven and it’s only going to get better. I’m only going to get higher. People notice the good in what I’m doing just in how I present myself. Who you are is good enough. If you want people to notice you stop trying to get noticed.
God is faithful. If you seek him you’ll find him. He won’t give us anything we can’t handle. Sometimes you’d be surprised at how strong you are. Things that seemed so big once and so important were really just a trick. Don’t be caught up in lies. If you want truth read your bible. Listen to what god has to say about you. Surround yourself with positivity. If friends lead you in to temptation, get new friends. Stop blaming the world for your problems. It’s supposed to be a challenge. That’s how we grow. You’re your problem. Stop telling yourself you can’t. Rather tell yourself you’re the righteousness of god and you can do all things through him who gives you strength. Proclaim victory over yourself because we have it. Accept the gift of salvation because you can never earn it. Stop trying. You’re worthy of this gift so stop beating yourself up. If you sin: repent. God will remember it no more. Stop living in guilt. The price for all we do, have done, and will do has been paid. Thank you Jesus. Start living like you have something worth living for. Start living for others and you’ll find people start living for you. God is good all the time. Take a moment and walk with him.
It’s a beautiful thing.
Anyways, I love you guys. Don’t hesitate to ever ask myself or someone you trust for help. There’s always someone there for you. Don’t give up the fight. I’m right here cheering for you. Together we’ll make it.
I love being a virgin. One day my husband will have the most special gift I can ever give and he’ll be the only one who can get it =]
(via kyrstennmckenziee)
So today I wont lie. I was feeling…am feeling still…a bit down. After class I was just listening to City and Colour Pandora radio, driving home. Rather than paying so much attention to the road directly in front of me. I looked up a bit and took myself out of my fog. What I saw was beautiful. The hills, green from plants and trees, mountains topped with snow, clear skies and a sunny day. I realized just how miraculous and wonderful our world is. Bad things happen, but just look around you. Pay attention to all the stuff that gets taken for granted. Something worthy of praise is right in front of us. I kept looking around and saw all the houses, businesses and I coulnd’t help but feel a sense of community. Life. We’re all in this together, there’s someone else out there feeling what we feel and going through what we go through. I was in awe of God’s creation. The earth is such a masterpiece. I realized just how incredulous our make up is: Community, beauty, it expands for miles. There’s so many adventures to be taken, people to meet. You can’t let one person or circumstance get you down. Guess what; there’s going to be more. If you never rise above them they’re going to pile on top of you and it’s a lot harder to get out the longer you wait. Don’t waste your time buried when you could be free. Life is such a gift. I”m so impressed with what God has given me. After looking at his art work I can’t help but want anything other than to get closer to him. I want to know him more. Trees just seem more fascinating and colors more wondrous. I feel a sense of purpose and belonging. I won’t say I’m ecsatic about my life at the moment, there’s plenty going on to stress me out and keep me down, but I’d be a fool to let it keep me from continuing on and causing me to give up. I have the victory. I forget that sometimes. However, today I’ve realized in the moments when the piece of road in front of you doesn’t look so great, find peace in knowing it gets better. Just like on my drive. Up close a paved road and cars aren’t that special, but when you see exactly what you’re driving through and where you’re heading, you know there’s good. You’re getting somewhere. You just have to remember to keep moving forward. You don’t have to know what’s next, just know that you’re going to get there and have all the tools to tackle whatever obstacle enters your path. Sometimes we go through rough things to make us stronger. It’s not an act of hate. We’re loved so much that God uses these things to make us better, to make us stronger. Everything is an opportunity and I’m not going to let anything take it from me.
So I made it through monday knowing it would have been three months. Today is 2 weeks of being single. Yesterday God helped heal my heart a little. I don’t regret our relationship anymore. Now I think of him and I smile which kind of makes me sad, but at least I know I didn’t waste my time. I hate feeling like he gave up, but I guess that’s the hurt. He knew he wasn’t right for me so he cared enough to let me go. I have to commend him for that. It hurts feeling like I wasn’t wanted. That part I’m still working through. I admit it though, I cry every night on my way home from work; sometimes I cry in the mornings too. Really I’m still all messed up and I don’t even think he cares. I try not to care, but really I just miss him. He was my only friend for a bit there. I know it’s over, but I’m sill having a hard time acknowledging he’s not mine. I looked at his facebook for the first time in a little bit, I just wanted to see what was new. I keep contemplating deleting him and blocking him cause seeing his stuff just makes a million thoughts come to mind. SO many songs remind me of him though so it’s not even worth it. Plus I’m friends with people he introduced me to so really it’s not even worth it to be immature about it. It sucks too cause I think I have a date on Friday with one of my friends I met a year ago that I was interested in at the time. Now I just don’t know. It’s not that I don’t like him I guess, but I still have feelings for my ex so it can’t go anywhere right now. Besides I sincerely doubt he meets my list. Then there’s a guy from work he’s super sweet and we get a long really well when we talk and have a lot of fun. He wants to be my movie buddy lol. He’s great but he’s also Mormon so that’s definitely not going anywhere. I swear I’ve become terrible at being single. I just want somebody to love me as much as I love them is that so wrong? No. So when is my turn at a fairytale? When does the hurt go away so I can move on? No matter who I talk to or what opinion I get I still feel like crap. I pray and God helps me with little victories, but I’m tired of feeling so sad and having to work at being happy. I’m so care free and giddy all the time I don’t like this. It’s so tiring to keep it in. I know God’s got someone cool for me. I KNOW it. Keeping my head in an optimistic place hasn’t been easy these two weeks. I kind of don’t know what to do anymore.
Apparently I’ve learned I need to do a much better job at this.
(Source: bearhugsforjesus, via bearhugsforjesus)
